click Each chapter is designed to prompt meaningful conversations about topics such as - Salvation - Prayer - Fears - Entertainment - Passions - Church - Family - Friends - Health Drawing on experience from over a quarter of a century in campus ministry, the authors invite couples to build guilt-free, God-honoring dating relationships. Get ready for some good talks and practical advice.
Bentley and Susan Hill have worked with college students and campus ministry for over twenty-five years. Their love for college students has prompted them to speak at retreats, lead mission trips, host conferences, and spend countless hours in wild games of Paintball and Ping Pong, Spades and Spoons. They have two children, Samantha and Brent, and a happily acquired son-in-law, Nick. Read more Read less. Add all three to Cart Add all three to List. One of these items ships sooner than the other. Buy the selected items together This item: Ships from and sold by Amazon.
Devotions For Dating Couples: Customers who viewed this item also viewed. Page 1 of 1 Start over Page 1 of 1. A Dating Couples Devotional: A Little God Time for Couples: Xulon Press December 29, Language: Don't have a Kindle? Share your thoughts with other customers. Write a customer review. Showing of 3 reviews. Top Reviews Most recent Top Reviews. There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later. I know the authors personally and highly recommend! I bought these for both my daughters and their boyfriends. I am excited to see how they grow as individuals and as couples.
Great book for new couples! See all 3 reviews. Amazon Giveaway allows you to run promotional giveaways in order to create buzz, reward your audience, and attract new followers and customers. People often confuse intuition words that actually reflect thoughts with feeling words that reflect emotions. Discussing how you feel about other people and discussing the lives of people you interact with increases relationship intimacy. The more important to you the person you are talking about is, the more intimate the conversation.
Talking about family members, close friends, and important people in your life can be intimate. It isn't just talking about them in general that is more personal. It is also talking about how you feel about them and how they affect your personal life that makes it intimate. The most intimate conversation with your partner is talking about your feelings about your conversational partner and your relationship with that partner.
Most women like to talk about their relationships of all kinds-family, friends, previous romantic relationships, work, etc. Men who know how to use empathetic listening for the woman to go on and on about these relationships are often deluged with women seeking relationships with them. While many men just scratch their heads wondering what women want, other men have problems of knowing which woman to choose of those who keep calling them. This is one of their secrets. Start talking about yourself, your partner, and your relationship from the beginning. For example, You can give compliments, tell them you enjoyed the conversation, or comment on how open they were.
Personal compliments and criticisms are very intimate. Of course it is best to give more compliments than criticisms often a good measure of relationship happiness. Learn to give criticisms sensitively and constructively. Most people are sensitive about any criticism. If it is not given in the best possible manner, it is probable that the other will feel hurt and resentful-especially if it happens to hit in a sensitive area.
And you may not be able to guess what those sensitive areas are. Besides relationships, there are many other topics that can be intimate. You can make almost any topic intimate to some degree by talking about your feelings about it. Use feeling words and talk about how it affects or affected you personally. For example don't just talk about what you do on your job, talk about how you feelabout what you do. Also tell about your deeper values, interests, and goals.
Or tell about funny or uplifting stories about yourself or others. A few other common topics that people talk about-especially when they first meet include their work and feelings about it and people they work with, career goals and history, their interests especially those they may want to do with the current conversational partner , the current situation class, current environment, feelings about circumstances surrounding the current meeting, their current day or week events and feelings about them , important parts of themselves or activities, how they feel about the weather or geographic location, etc.
Drawing Your Partner's Feelings Out One of the biggest complaints I hear from women about men is that men don't talk enough about their feelings and their problems or personal lives. Some women have the same problem. They may rarely talk about their own feelings or the own problems with people. What do you do if you are with a partner who is one of these people? You may not know how to converse intimately with this person. It's no wonder that they haven't had a good relationship before.
One solution is to move on as others may have done. Perhaps this person will never learn to be intimate, and you would be wise to move on and save yourself a lot of frustration. On the other hand, many men or women with the same problem really would like to connect at a more intimate level; but just don't know how. Try some of the following tips to increase intimacy:. See asking questions section below. Be a good role model; talk about personal topics and feelings.
Ask how your partner feels about what you said. This approach serves both as a role model and direct stimulus to get him sharing his feelings about events too. Example "If you are not sure what you are feeling, could it be a. Ask directly for what you want: Be specific and give specific examples. Remember, your partner really literally may not know what to say. You may need to repeat this approach in part many times to make progress.
If you try all of the above repeatedly, and your results are unsatisfactory, then it may be wise to move on before you get too attached to someone you may never have true intimacy with. It may be impossible to ever have a really happy, intimate marriage with this person. It is hard enough for someone genuinely trying to improve. Romantic Conversations Women often say they want a man who is romantic. When many men hear this they feel confused and inadequate.
They think of movie stars whom women see as romantic, and they don't see themselves as being like those stars. So they feel inadequate. Most women value intimate, feeling-oriented conversations more than purely romantic ones, but being romantic can only help your cause with most women. Of course most romantic conversations are really one subtype of intimate, feeling-oriented conversations. To be a romantic conversation, it must normally also meet those criteria above. What are additional criteria of romantic conversations?
Of course "romantic" is a very subjective concept and is a little different within the minds of each person. Following are some common criteria for being romantic. Use or talk about a romantic theme or topic A romantic them can be love in general; romantic relationships; romantic books, movies, or music; birds, butterflies, flowers, sunsets, the moon, the ocean or a lake, mountains, or other beautiful nature scenes, romantic actions such as buying flowers or a card; romantic or beautiful poetry; thoughtful, considerate, caring actions-especially actions where you sacrifice something for your love; marriage or family themes; symbols of a future together or of your love; and many more.
Give compliments about your partner's appearance, personality, and behavior If you are not used to doing this create a list of meaningful adjectives that relate to qualities of a partner that are important to you or may be important to your partner. Make a hierarchy going from "low key" adjectives you could use for someone you just met to more intense adjectives you would use with someone you know much better.
Or a more general comment such as, "You look great"; "You smell so good"; "I feel honored to go with someone who looks so good"; "I'm so lucky that you're going with me"; "You look so great that everyone will be looking at you"; etc. Your so nice, happy, bubbly, vivacious, energetic, sparkplug, nice, kind, caring, understanding, sensitive, expressive, fun, enjoyable, interesting, joy to be with, a pleasure, confident, strong, independent, self-sufficient, calm, stable, thoughtful, intelligent, smart, brilliant, insightful, bright, cool, stylish, feminine, masculine, spiritual, mature, wise, successful, good with people, well-liked, respected, friendly, outgoing, assertive, intimate, open, honest, good communicator, smooth, romantic, sophisticated, concerned, etc.
Sample specifically romantic compliments: Use romantic non-verbal cues. Speaking softly and slowly in a lower pitch is usually perceived as more romantic except in conditions of extreme sexual arousal-when the opposite is often seen as sexier. Physical closeness, touching, and mild caressing can be very romantic during silence while watching a sunset or in any beautiful moment that you are sharing together.
You can create those romantic moments by actively seeking out and planning to be in romantic settings sunsets; beautiful nature, music, movies; a nice dinner; a few moments alone after an activity; etc. Controversial Topics and Intimacy Religion, politics, and social or cultural views are often controversial.
They can also be important areas for testing compatibility; so it is important to discuss your views with potential partners fairly early in the relationship. If the topic area isn't very important to one or both partners e. However, the more important the topic is to one or both partners, and the more extreme one or both partner's view are, the more important it is to discuss these views before getting too involved or attached.
If you have strong or extreme views on one of these topics that you know may upset some people, then what do you do? If you simply hide beliefs and values that are important to you, you will never get very intimate with the other person. That will always remain a taboo area that limits your intimacy. I suggest that you avoid these topic areas when you first meet someone. Talk about the other topics first, and get to know them on the basis of these less controversial issues. Make a connection and develop some trust first. If the topic comes up, simply say you'd rather not talk about e.
When you are ready to talk about one of these areas, you can first ask them what their views are, or if pressured to give your views, give only a vague, less controversial overview e. To the extent that you agree or find the other person open to discussing views different from their own, then gradually begin to reveal your views.
Save the most controversial views or those most opposite of your partner's until latter. Ordinarily, this process may take several dates or meetings. Generally don't knock them over with all your views at once. Let them gradually get used to them. Otherwise, it will likely be good-bye unless they are true believers like yourself. You may think, "That's fine. I'm only looking for someone with views like my own, so why not just lay it all out. Develop your Internal Observer If you are not used to "being a good conversationalist," you may think it strange that you should learn to observe and modify the course of a conversation.
However, any good conversationalist does this consciously or automatically. At first, as you are learning, it must be done very consciously; but after awhile conversation monitoring will become automatic most of the time. Following are some variables that are important to observe and correct if there is a problem. Balanced amount of talking and listening. Ideally, a good conversation will be balanced so that each person is talking about the same amount of time.
In the short run, conversations are often unbalanced; but in the longer time frame, good conversations are more balanced. If a conversation is or even , and both are happy with it, then there may be no problem in the short run. However, if it becomes or with a few exceptions something is very wrong.
If you detect a problem, make an effort to be more assertive in either speaking up yourself even if it means interrupting or drawing the other person out as the case may be. Monologues, lectures, or how-to lessons. Monologues of any kind can clearly through off the balance. Occasionally a listener really does want to hear extensively about some subject. However, extensive information-giving about an area the other person may or may not know much about can be deadly if the other person doesn't want to hear it.
Even if they do, doing it is taking a great risk that they will be bored. If you are tempted to give a lot of "helpful" information, at least keep asking the person if they want to hear more. This is a very big turn-off to many people. People who give a lot of information often are people who also like to receive a lot of information. If you find each other and it seems OK, then great give and take a lot of information with someone.
Although be sure you also balance the conversation with enough more intimate talk if you want to be friends. Since high information-giving people like to get information themselves, they often are very oblivious to how turned off others are to their high information exchange need. The biggest issue is often the amount of detail and total talk time. Learn to just give a brief, general overview of the topic, with possibly a short example.
Avoid trying to cover the topic thoroughly. That is where you get into trouble. Do NOT give the amount of information you would like to receive if you were in the listeners position. Doing too much detailed information exchange is another dating death trap many more intellectual people fall into.
A series of questions. Avoid asking too many questions-especially in a series. It can seem to the other person as if you are interrogating them. Instead, if you are listening to someone use mostly empathetic listening responses.
Or ask one to three questions and then talk about how you would answer the same questions. Or change the topic. Storytelling We all tell stories about events in our lives or other events we know about. The most personal, intimate stories are those about ourselves and those close to us.
The more important the event is to us, the more personal it is. Stories that are humorous without being offensive to your listener ; inform your partner about you, your family, or your interests; relate to common interests; or teach some life lesson are especially valuable and interesting to others. People especially educated people and women tend to dislike hearing stories that are sarcastic, put people down, reflect a very negative point of view, show prejudice; or are about disgusting topics.
Save these for your small group of buddies that like to be grossed out. Most common storytelling problems. Picking negative themes like those above. Not remembering the end 3. Going into too much detail or not enough detail. Not getting emotionally into the story. Not giving enough or giving too much background so that the listener knows the context. Going off on tangents and not progressing fast enough through the story. Debating irrelevant details with oneself or another. For example don't debate "was it Tuesday or Wednesday.
In that case, just make up it up or arbitrarily make a choice "Tuesday" even if it might not have been or "some day last week. This isn't necessary, so don't feel you have to be a great storyteller to tell a story. Most of the important events in your daily life and life history should be told in the form of short stories.
To not tell stories at all is much worse than bad storytelling, because it prevents any kind of real intimacy from developing. Revealing Potentially Embarrassing Information If you trust another enough to tell them about embarrassing events in your life that you don't tell most people, you are initiating intimacy. Revealing this kind of information can cause a significant increase in the level of trust and intimacy on both sides. It may be met with similar revelations on your partner's side, which can increase trust and closeness even more. However, this kind of risk can backfire if the story leaves a very negative impression that doesn't make up for the increased trust your partner feels.
For example revealing serious problems such as substance abuse, a prison record, or abusing other people can scare people away if they don't already trust you quite a bit and if they aren't able to cope well with such information. See below for help on revealing serious problems. A large relationship experience difference may upset you if you have little or no dating experience.
A similar problem may develop if one partner has dated a lot, but never been in a lasting relationship and the other partner has been in one or more long, intimate relationships such as marriage. In both cases you are at an experience disadvantage with your potential partner. This may be a problem in a variety of ways. First, you may feel inadequate to your partner. Feeling inadequate may be the biggest single problem. I have seen many couples where one partner had limited or no previous experience.
In almost all cases the experienced partner didn't care very much. In some cases the more experienced partner preferred to have someone who was less experienced. These generalizations apply to both relationships where the male is more experienced and relationships where the female is more experienced.
Of course, like most other variables, similar experience is usually better; but it is not difficult to overcome. The other compatibility factors I have mentioned above are much more important. Experienced partners usually realize this fact more than the inexperienced partners. The reason is that the experienced partner may have already dated people with experience who lack the more important qualities. They may even enjoy coaching their partner. It is best to be honest about ones inexperience, but to put a positive spin on it so that your statements are NOT self-demeaning.
Don't' say, "I haven't dated because no one ever wanted me. Of course, what you say should reflect the truth, but you can state it constructively, "I'm changing and growing," or negatively "I'm inadequate and hopeless. If you date someone with more experience and feel confused about what to do such as in making love , try to learn what you can from reading, talking with friends and family, etc. Practice using detailed mental imagery; research shows it can be almost as effective as real practice. Also talk openly with your partner.
Don't say, "I'm afraid you won't like me if I can't perform well enough.
I want to do the things that will bring pleasure and happiness to you. You can also ask for suggestions. This is part of a good communication process that all couples need to engage in. The most experienced partners know that they need to ask these very same questions to make sure they are pleasing their partners. What do you do then? Here are some alternatives. While this may not usually be the preferred alternative, it isn't as bad as death either. There are many situations where silence is actually the preferred alternative.
Watching a sunset together or doing anything where your are both absorbing the moment is often not only a good time for silence, it may be problem if you talk too much. When silence occurs, why do you feel that it is your responsibility to fill the silence, and think that you are the one who will seem boring or uninteresting?
If you have these fears to a great extent, explore them-perhaps in counseling. Learn to cope with this worst case scenario that someone will think of you as boring. In summary, it is OK to simply be silent for a few moments while you think of something else to talk about or attend to your environment. Talk about the current situation-look at your recent feelings and thoughts. Remember that your emotions are the key to identifying important issues. The stronger the emotion, the more important the issue. Your emotions are connected to your inner beliefs, values, interests, and other important internal aspects of who you are.
Therefore following your emotions to events and thoughts they are associated with will lead to these important aspects of yourself and therefore to important-and intimate- conversational topics. One of the best ways to find a topic of conversation is to start trying to find something to talk about by looking at your recent emotions. What have been the strongest positive and negative emotions you have had today? What deeper daily events were they linked to? What deeper issues, interests, concerns, goals, conflicts, values, relationships, etc. Let your inner observer take notice of the stream of events and associated thoughts that come to mind.
Which of these are potential topics of conversation? These feelings can lead to intimate conversations. Try starting with the present situation and work backwards in time. For example, I am typing on my computer while I am waiting for my car to be repaired. My main concerns right now are with writing this guide and with the cost of my car repair. These feelings could lead to conversations about writing, self-help, meeting people or about my car, car repairs, finances, etc. These are not deep, intimate conversations; but they could be interesting and fun.
However, better topics might come from looking for feelings about people, your work, your interests, etc. Think about the current situation in which you are meeting the person and your feelings about that situation or similar or related situations of meeting people, of the environment you are in, etc. Have you been in similar situations?
Are there any interesting stories about those situations or people? You can ask your partner the same question. How do you feel about meeting this person? Do you have some positive feelings e. If so, convert them into compliments-a great way to start a new topic. What about negative feelings, nervousness, etc.?
Can you use those constructively? It communicates your honest "negative" feelings of nervousness, but does it in an assertive, confident manner. These can lead directly to more compliments and information about important compatibility factors. People commonly say, "How are you doing? Many people don't know where to start and simply respond with the short response such as "OK. Instead, respond by talking about yourself for a minute or two. Get in touch with your emotions and recall the past few hours or days and comment about one or more of the events that you have been focusing on during that time.
Try to locate an event that might be interesting to the other person if you can; but if you can't just randomly start talking about your feelings and daily events. It helps your partner and you relax, because conversation is proceeding, and you may accidentally hit upon a topic that one of you has a real interest in talking about. If nothing else, you can ask them about "What's been happening" to your partner, and your partner can start telling you about their recent life.
Of course, you can begin the meeting by asking "How have you been? If you know the person enough to know something about their life and if you know they have been concerned about something important, then start by asking them about that illness, breakup, new job, test, interview, etc. You can simply say, "How are you feeling? In a close relationship, NOT asking can cause the other person to think that you don't care enough to ask and are too selfishly concentrating on your own issues.
When you are getting ready to go to a party, meet a new person, or just want to have a "Plan B" topics list, make a new list or revise an old one.
Add topics that are the types of topics you might want to discuss with almost anyone or topics that might be targeted more toward the person s with whom you will be talking. Try a mix of topics like personal events, a funny story, news items, an interesting or meaningful story about a friend, family member, or work situation, a movie, TV show, sporting event, or a joke. Be careful with jokes--especially on dates. Many jokes are offensive to other people.
After you create your list and put it someplace handy, consult it just before the meeting and take items from it to place in short -term memory. Then try to NOT use those items, except in an "emergency": Just having the list items in memory usually gives people more confidence that they have things to talk about, and can help them use other methods more confidently. Once you initiate a conversation with a list item or other topic , don't just stop with the story unless you get a negative reaction ; instead see if you can get free associations to other topics or aspects of the story yourself to spur new topics.
Or, see if your partner picks up on a related topic, and be a good listener and follow your partner's new direction. For example a baseball story will likely lead to more conversations about baseball or some other aspect of the story.
Talking about an embarrassing incident can lead your partner to talk about an embarrassing incident and therefore greater trust and intimacy. Using free associations like this can set off a whole series of topics as the result of introducing just one of your conversation items. As you add items to your list, try to add items that might more likely spur new conversations.
If on a date, focus more on topics that lead to associations of personal feelings and stories about family, personal interests, values, play, romance, and other topics that might bring you closer and spur friendly and romantic feelings. Empathetic Listening Skills I have asked hundreds of women in workshops, counseling, etc. They also quickly add that listening and sensitivity is the most commonly missing element for men. When I ask men how they respond to this, they typically say, "I'm a good listener. I'm sensitive to her feelings. What is the real problem here?
Most men have never learned good empathetic listening skills, and even if they do know how to listen effectively, have a natural tendency to want to talk instead of listen. Many men want to tell their point of view, tell how to fix the problem, tell the woman how she isn't seeing the situation clearly, or explain why they the men did it their way instead of what the woman asked them to do. All of these responses are the opposite of listening. There are appropriate times to give most of the above "tell" responses, but men typically give them way too soon.
Men may listen briefly, jump to conclusions, and give their point of view. Also, they don't wait for the woman to solve the problem themselves, they try to give them their the men's "fix-it" solution to the problem. Many men secretly want to impress others with how smart they are, how much they know, or good they are at solving that kind of problem. At this point I would like to change my language from "men" to "dominant partner" and from "women" to "nondominant partner. Often the female is the more dominant partner, and often these dynamics happen in male-male and female-female relationships as well.
Let's return to the problem. Most women and most nondominant partners still want to solve the problem themselves. However the two types of partners differ in style. When the dominant partners are faced with a problem, they typically want to keep it more in their own mind. Often they fear other people will either see them as weak if they reveal they have a problem, or they may be afraid that the other person will influence their judgment too much. They tend to feel very confident about their problem-solving abilities and don't feel they need any help or support in reaching conclusions and acting upon them.
On the other hand, nondominant partners often feel less confident about their decision-making abilities and value consultation more than self-sufficiency. They tend to want outside help and emotional support of their choosing. They go through the same stages or problem solving the dominant partners do exploration of feelings and gathering information, generating possible solutions, deciding, and planning. However, they prefer to do it publicly with a trusted partner who will listen and encourage them to continue the process.
After they explore their feelings and information and their own ideas, then and only then might they seek possible solutions from their partners. When the dominant partner shoots out a quick fix-it answer, the nondominant partner feels interrupted, controlled, and discounted. When the nondominant partner responds with hurt, anger, silence, or some other negative response, the dominant partner also feels hurt. The interchange may end with very hurt feelings on both sides. Empathetic Listening Skills as Conversation Generators Have you ever wondered what the most important secret to being an interesting conversationalist is?
In Dale Carnegie's best-selling classic self-help book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, he points out that good listening skills are the key. Anyone who is talking about something that is really important to them and actively exploring new insights into the topic is fascinated with the conversation. How could they not be? How do you get someone to creatively explore a topic of vital interest to them? Use the empathetic listening technique below to follow a talker's strongest feelings to get to even more important, central topics of immediate concern to the talker.
People only have strong feelings about topics of great importance to them. So following those emotions by summarizing them and asking questions about them will almost always lead to intimate, meaningful conversations. These conversations can quickly lead to a person talking about their innermost values, goals, interests, fantasies, and plans. It is such a powerful technique that I have to be careful how much to use it or how far to take it in casual settings-lest someone get too involved in exploring a highly personal topic that is inappropriate for that casual setting.
However, this is rarely a danger for the untrained person. It is much more common to not use it adequately or at all. It is a vital skill for more intimate situations. Step Identify your partner's emotions. Use your partner's "body language," statements, and your own feelings as ways of identifying your partner's feelings. You can use the following simple classification of emotions: How intense is the emotion? Find a feeling word that fits the right type and intensity of the emotions.
State your summary in words they would use or agree with. If you state your summary in words that come from your frame of reference or position instead of your partner's frame of reference , then your partner may not accept that you understand their point of view. Consequently, your partner may begin to argue or stop constructive exploration of the problem. You must normally get their approval that you understand their position. Step 3-State your empathetic response to your partner. Positive feedback-your partner keeps exploring the problem: If your partner corrects you, but continues, that is OK too.
However, if your partner argues with you about your interpretation of their position or stops exploring the problem constructively, then it is crucial that you assume that you did not state your partner's point-of-view adequately. If you believe your partner is being dishonest, you can still say, "I hear you saying that you feel Finally, if you don't know what else to say, make an empathetic response to your partner. I do this if I feel hurt, angry, or confused as a way to "buy time" to deal with my own feelings before saying something that will upset my partner more.
Using Body Language to Build Closeness You may know that body language is a very important mode of communication and that there are cultural differences in body language. Following are a few tips about body language and meeting people. Find a distance that is comfortable for both. If the other backs away or moves forward, attempt to be relaxed with what makes your partner comfortable unless it becomes very uncomfortable for you.
In the American culture the general rule is to look at the your partner's eyes or face when you are listening; and look at their face part of the time when you are talking. If you lock eyes for too long and it is uncomfortable, glance away, then glance back. In emotionally intense situations you might each stare into each others' eyes for prolonged periods of time. Stand or sit squarely toward the person-face-to-face, body-to-body. You would almost never talk to a person back-to-back. That is the opposite of communicating interest and intimacy.
The closer your shoulders are to being parallel with each other, the more desire for interest or closeness is communicated. Being involved in another task while someone is conversing with you shows a distinct lack of interest and intimacy and can be a major complaint in relationship counseling. How loud and how fast you talk can make a difference in how you are perceived. If you are too loud, you may be perceived as dominating and aggressive. If too quiet, as too passive and submissive. The speed and pitch tonal frequency you talk can also be important. Talking in a monotone instead of varying your loudness, pitch, etc.
Too dramatic of an approach can leave an impression of someone who is "too emotional. But be aware of the type of impression you tend to lead with people-especially your partner. If it is not an impression you want to leave, then try changing some of these non-verbal communication styles. Your dress also communicates something to your partner. For example if you dress too casually or sloppily, you may give the impression that your meeting or date and therefore your partner isn't important to you.
Not a good message. Also, I must ask you what turns you on about someone of the opposite sex? Is it being dressed sloppily? Men tend to dress more poorly and give less attention to their appearance and grooming. Isn't that what you want? If you are a guy and aren't sure what to wear, ask a woman who has reasonably good taste. Be cautious about asking your buddies, chances are their dates aren't so impressed with their dress even though they may like the guys. A note to women. How sexy or provocative do you want to dress?
You will probably dress according to your personality. If you want to be perceived as "sexy," you will probably dress sexier. Some women are very cautious about "leading a man on' or "giving the wrong message. Try to dress in ways that bring out your positive features, not ways that hide them. Do it in good taste, but if you have a good figure, don't wear clothes that completely hide it. Also, women tend to think that all men are looking for the same figure the women imagine is perfect thin, big breasts, etc.
However, men vary far more in their tastes than women think. Also, many women have figures that they are more critical of than the men they date. They try to hide parts they don't like, and consequently wear clothes that hide too much. As you get to know a guy, ask him what he likes you to wear and compromise with him; just as you expect the same from him.
The Importance of Physical Attractiveness In research where neutral observers rated people on scales of for overall physical attractiveness, there is a common finding that most people date and marry people who are within 1 or 2 points of their partner. So take a good look at yourself in the mirror. The bad news is that people who are much more physically attractive than you that you have always dreamed of dating may not want to date or marry you. However, the good news is that there are many people who are about your level of physical attractiveness who would love to date or marry you.
Of course there are many exceptions to this rule. However, one theory states that if someone marries someone who is much more physically attractive, then they need to have some compensating characteristics in which they may be much more attractive than their partner. The classic example is the rich, not-so-attractive man marrying the beautiful woman.
Of course there can be problems with this type of inequality. He may always wonder if she married him for his money maybe she did ; and she may have to put up with being married to someone she's not very attracted to. Where Can You Meet People? Surveys of people who have recently married find that singles matching services, parties, clubs, or other singles meeting places are the most common way people currently find their mates. Meeting people through friends and relatives and meeting people at work or school and in organizations such as churches follow closely behind.
Relatively few marriages occur from meeting people in situations other than these. Some people also marry someone they met at the supermarket, shopping, on the street, or through some other chance or not so chance encounter. To put the matching problem in perspective, ask yourself the following question. Out of 1, single people of the opposite sex who are in your age range, about how many do you think you might be able to be happily married to? When I ask that question in singles workshops, I get answers ranging from about 1 to However, most people answer in the range of 5 to Keep that in mind as we proceed.
Take a personal survey of the number of single, available people of the opposite sex within your age range that you will likely meet or interact with in the next year given your current efforts. If you are a college student taking four classes with an average of 10 available opposite sex members per class, that adds up to 40 for the next three months, 80 for the year. If you have an job where you don't meet a lot of new people as part of the job, then the number could be anywhere from zero to for most people.
What if we add in the number of people you will likely meet through your friends and family?
Another 5 to 40? If you attend church or another organization regularly, how many more is that? Then we add in through chance encounters. What is the total? For most people those numbers would probably add up to between 40 and The person meeting might be in pretty good shape, but the person meeting 40 has a definite problem. How many of these 20 to are available for a new relationship? That may cut the number to between 10 to Suppose you have a pool of even available people in a year to find the right person.
Out of that potential pool of , how many have you talked with enough to know whether or not they are one of those potential partners. You become like ships passing in the night. How can you increase your odds? One of the best ways is to start interacting more with potential partners in your natural settings-especially those that seem available, attractive to you , and otherwise interesting.
Another way is to start meeting more people. Many people don't want to use singles events or matching services to meet people. A friend of mine made a study of the whole meeting people process concluded that every good meeting people path had negative stereotypes about it. If you become blocked by those negative stereotypes and your own negative thinking, you may never meet the right person. My friend decided that she would simply ignore these negative stereotypes, because she reasoned that getting involved in singles routes to meeting people would greatly increase her chances of finding the right person.
Meeting the right person was her goal, and it was more important to her than what others might think of her for pursing these routes. She wanted to meet and date a lot of men from which to make her choice. Therefore she tried every singles route she could think of, and she dated a lot of men including the one she eventually married. Her conclusion at the end of her "study" was that every singles activity she tried had some merit, but that newspaper ads and the Internet were the most efficient ways to meet men.
She preferred to put the ads in and then she got to choose which men she wanted to go out with from the responses she received. I have talked with many people who have used the Internet and newspaper ads. I suggest you try it if you find meeting people services whose clientele includes your age range and other characteristics that fit you.
Busy professional people are especially likely to use these services. The stereotype that only "losers" use services like these is totally false. The feedback I get is that almost everyone my clients have met this way have been interesting, nice people who were serious about relationships. That is pretty good if you compare it to any other route to meeting people.
Even when they don't end up dating the person they met, they almost always have interesting encounters, get to practice their meeting people skills, and learn more about people of the opposite sex, and learn more about what they want or don't want in a partner. Remember, when you explore a singles route, you will be meeting other people who are available and also looking for a partner.
How to maximize your chances of finding good matches with Internet or newspaper ads or matching services. The best match for you is someone who is similar to you in your most important values, beliefs, interests, activities, background, physical qualities, relationship and communication style, etc. To find a person like that through a singles matching service, focus on these important dimensions.
Before you look at a lot of self-descriptions to find someone to meet, make a list of the qualities that you want in a person you would marry even if you aren't ready for marriage. Also make a similar list about what your positive qualities are. Make your Relationship Resume'. See the discussion about making such a list above and see the sample Relationship Resume' below. Keep these matching factors in mind when looking at the self-descriptions of your potential date, and when you write your own self description.
As you write your own self-description, keep asking yourself what a woman whom you would want and who had similar values and interests to yours would be attracted to in a self-description. You might write different variations and place them in different places or at different times to test your self-descriptions for responses. Get a good photo of yourself and make many copies for mailing and put a copy in a computer file for emails or Internet services. If you are answering other people's ads, 1 include your photo a must , 2 include a personal statement that is a compliment about the other person's self-description features that attracted you, and 3 include a self-description that includes all the main points in your relationship resume'.
The last can be standardized for all parties, or standardized with a little editing for special cases. You can even call it your Relationship Resume' and send it as is. An outline of a sample Relationship Resume' is at the end of this paper.
Just having the list items in memory usually gives people more confidence that they have things to talk about, and can help them use other methods more confidently. Don't ask a question to get an answer; ask questions that prompt your date to tell you a story. In one quote the author, Glennon Melton, explains: People underestimate the powerful motivational effects of marijuana that cause high passivity, lack of taking responsibility, and a somewhat, mild paranoid reaction about being discovered or criticized. When you share, others are likely to follow your lead and start to share with you too.
Otherwise, they may think they were last on your list. If you are to meet, meet in a public place, preferably during the day or early evening, for a definite, limited time of about minutes possibly allow for more time , be very specific about time and place so you don't miss each other, and use cell phones to adjust if there is a problem finding the right place, etc. Dress attractively and appropriately. When you meet, follow the suggestions elsewhere in this guide. The outcomes are either that you will never see each other again, you will become friends, or you will date.
You don't have to decide on the outcome the first meeting, and if you haven't decided, don't agree to anything more than talking on the phone again. If you each want more contact, then I suggest you arrange the next meeting before you part. See the section on invitations. Most women still expect the male to initiate the next contact.
If you delay, you will not seem very interested not a good thing. However, if you are nervous or very busy and do delay, don't let that stop you. Call and say you would have liked to call sooner, and give your reason. Your partner may remain unimpressed, but still glad you called. What type of invitation do you want to make? Try giving a compliment first, then following up with an invitation.
Could we exchange phone numbers? When you make an invitation for the first time, don't be too specific.
Meaningful Conversations for Dating Couples and millions of other books are available for Amazon Kindle. Meaningful Conversations for Dating Couples Paperback – December 29, Devotions For Dating Couples: Building A Foundation For Spiritual. How to go from casual conversation to a deep, meaningful one.
Instead try a general invitation first. If you are asked a question like that and don't want to go out with the person, try responding, "I enjoyed meeting you too, but I'm not interested in a dating relationship. What if you are on the other end: Tell them, "I am really busy those nights, but I would like to go out with you. Can we find another time? You could suggest possible dates first.
Go back and forth until you find one. If it you are starting to reach too far into the future for one or both of you, then suggest exchanging phone numbers and say you will call in a week or so and try again. It would also be a good idea to call once or twice before then. You could call and say, "I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed being with you the other night.
Developing a Physical Romantic Relationship. People's methods of beginning a physical romantic relationship vary considerably, but there are a few common principles that work with most people. As liberated as our society is in male-female relationships it is still more common for the man to initiate more touching, romantic, and sexual contact. Let's start at the beginning. How does a physical relationship start? It really starts from the first moment you see each other.
Your body language will give messages about how you are feeling to your partner. If you are mostly nervous, that message will come across at least a little. Being nervous is not all bad. It can actually be attractive to many people, since it may indicate that you are nervous because you are attracted to your partner and want to please them. If you get that message from someone, how do you feel? How does body language from two people who seem interested in each other differ from two people who don't?
They may touch each other's hand, arm, shoulder, or even face or hair. The man may open doors, help her with her coat and chair, and do other things which not only appear "gentlemanly" but also bring him in closer physical contact with her. Therefore, if you are interested in a physical relationship with someone start "getting physical" from the beginning.
What is the difference between a man who is considered romantic and "smooth" from one who is not? The word "smooth" probably comes from the fact that the smooth man leads the woman into a more intimate relationship physical and emotional in small steps instead of big ones. The smooth man uses intimate body language and manages to come in close physical proximity and to little bits of touching that eventually lead up to the first kiss.
He may ask her for her permission to kiss her. The "clumsy" man may keep his distance all night and then suddenly grab her for a kiss that she is totally unprepared for. Touching or holding hands is a nice way to start a physical relationship. You can hold hands that in a movie, at a restaurant, or wherever. You don't need to do it through the whole movie, just for short periods. Romantic movies with romantic or touching scenes are great for this, as is romantic music, talking about a romantic or touching subject, etc.
You don't need to have a romantic stimulus such as one of these, but if you get the stimulus, don't pass up the opportunity. What If a Problem or Conflict Develops? It is inevitable that you and your partner will not agree about everything. No matter how compatible you are, you will have some areas of disagreement or conflict.
No two people are identical in their values, beliefs, etc. The conflict could be very mild or it could be of greater magnitude. Even smaller conflicts can leave a bad impression, because people will often overgeneralize about the conflict. For example, if someone makes a statement that the other perceives as being prejudiced against some group, the partner may conclude that the other is a racist even though the first person never meant the remark the way it was taken. If the two never discuss this conflict, then the second partner may never agree to meet again even though there is no real difference.
It is too sad that neither party initiated a discussion of the conflict; because it might have been easily resolved. If the two partners had resolved the conflict, then not only would the conflict be resolved, but they would have reached a new relationship level. Every relationship has conflicts, and when two people resolve their first conflict successfully, it makes them closer and builds trust. This successful resolution enables the pair to reach a new level in the relationship. This advancement can happen even during the first meeting-a significant accomplishment.
Most responses can be grouped under the more general categories of aggressive, assertive, or nonassertive. The aggressive response is to be visibly upset and probably attack you in some way. The nonassertive response is to ignore the problem, withdraw, get quieter, become emotionally distant, or use some other passive response. The assertive response is to deal with the problem in an understanding, caring, and diplomatic manner. How would you respond if you got upset about something someone you had just met said or did? Would it be different if you knew the person better?
How would attraction to the other person affect your response? Would you like some tips for responding if your partner,. Assertion Training article at http: What if some aspect of yourself or your past may upset others? Have you accepted it yourself? Can you forgive yourself and feel forgiven? Are you having a problem with feeling good about yourself?
In addition to the above suggestions, I have included a few special tips for each. Problems With Your Physical Appearance Do you think you are too overweight, to thin, too short, too tall, too much fat here or there, to large or small here or there? We have all been conditioned to think we are only desirable to others if we fit some perfect mold.
The first thing to do is take a survey of married couples. Are only people with perfect bodies married? People marry each other with all sorts of flaws. It is true that people tend to marry people who are about the same "level" of appearance. So if you want somebody in good shape, it is important that you keep yourself in good shape. Many people have a problem with self-confidence that is partially rooted in their feelings about not accepting their body adequately.
Physical Illnesses, Disability, or Similar Problems I will not attempt to cover this complex topic in any depth.